Eleven years ago this coming May, I had a “therapeutic” abortion when I was four and a half months pregnant with my only son, a Down’s syndrome baby—James Kent. Well-meaning professionals impressed upon my husband and me how we were rescuing our son—and ourselves—from a life of needless pain and suffering...
Our family doctor told us James Kent would be our shadow for the rest of our lives in choosing to birth him. We didn’t realize my son would be our shadow for the rest of our lives in choosing to abort him.
A short but powerful story, posted here., from the BeNotAfraid site.
BTW, our own family's story is up on that site as well:
In February of 2001 my wife were expecting our second child. We had gone for the usual routine ultrasounds, and were waiting for the standard commentary from our obstetrician. What we heard instead was that the baby appeared to be having some difficulties. There were signs of congestive heart failure. It was explained to us that there were several possible factors which might be causing this. One factor was the possibility of a genetic abnormality. We consented to having an amniocentesis – a genetic test. The results of the test confirmed to a high degree of probability that our second child had Down Syndrome, or Trisomy 21. We were asked if we would like to terminate the pregnancy.
Our first reaction to the news was akin to grief. As parents we want our children to be healthy, happy and we desire them to grow up to lead full lives. We already had a wonderful healthy daughter, and we felt grief that this baby was already suffering from a heart condition in the womb. We felt a sense of confusion - - we were on a steep learning curve: Trisomy 21, Down Syndrome, ASD, VSD. We felt there were so many new terms being thrown at us we hardly had time to digest the information, let alone deal with the reality of it.
We chose to have the baby. It was in some ways an easy decision, and in some ways very difficult. It was easy in that we loved this child – we wanted to be parents, we wanted siblings for our first daughter. And we both felt that our responsibility as parents began when we chose to get pregnant. It was difficult in that we had no romantic illusions about what parenting this child would mean. It would mean sacrifices – physically, emotionally, perhaps financially. What would this child’s future be? Would be caregivers for the rest of our lives? How would this impact our marriage, our family, our careers?
As we look back, a big part of the choice had to do with the difference between love and fear. I work in a major Canadian university with a large teaching hospital. I have many friends in professional fields of health care, education and counseling. As we became more educated about Down Syndrome, and got in contact with people in all of those fields, we began to ease the fear that can easily overwhelm parents of children with disabilities. I am also an ordained Anglican priest – our faith in God is part of our lives and we trust that Jesus and his way of life are part of our decision making. As we look back on that choice between love and fear, we recall the saying from the Christian Scriptures that “perfect love casts out fear”. We believe that God is on to something there: that so many of our important decisions in life have to do with the choice between love and fear. We could choose to love this child (no matter what), or choose to be afraid of the future, of how this person would change and affect our lives. In choosing to have the baby, we did not think God would magically “rescue” us from difficulties now or in the future, but that he would give us the courage to learn how to love more deeply through whatever the future may hold.
Today Sarah Joy is 4 years old; she will be attending the local preschool this fall with her neighbourhood friends. And the journey has been both difficult and rewarding in many ways. Such things can really only be lived, not explained. We have been through surgeries and specialists, developmental and education programs, and we continue to love her through everything. She is a great little sister for Emily, and she is a caring big sister to Adam. She loves music and dance, she loves to garden with us in the back yard, and she loves to go for walks with Grandpa’s dog. She is mischievous in her own way, and often collaborates with her older sister in sneaking treats from the kitchen cupboards. She has taught us something about the difference between love and fear, and continues to live up to her name – she is full of joy, and shares it with those around her.
Update: Sarah Joy is now 7 and entering Grade 1
that story made me sad. it's a hard decision either way. so so sorry.
Posted by: kelz | February 04, 2007 at 01:20 AM
It is quite a story. The most poignant line for me was "He has taught me that my own need to love him is far greater than his physical needs could ever have been."
I think Pam has hit on something profoundly important: our need to learn how to love unconditionally.
Posted by: joseph | February 06, 2007 at 10:48 PM
I would just like to say I am going through what Pam and her family had to go through and I am in so much pain right now. The thought that I am 18 going on 19 weeks now and the pictures that I have seen of babies at this stage in their life are so adorable I'm having a hard time to finalize my decision on this being the right decision for me to abort my baby. My doctors let me know my baby has trisomy 18 and 21 and is not expected to live and my experience over this time period has been hard. Inspiring stories like this one give my hope I appreciate this story.
Posted by: Lonyota | February 28, 2007 at 08:50 PM
My prayers go out to you, Lonyota.
Posted by: Winston | March 01, 2007 at 12:17 AM
mine as well, i hope you have support around you.
Posted by: steve the z | March 01, 2007 at 12:32 PM
Hi Lonyota - I too will add my prayers. FWIW, almost 6 years ago to the day we found out that our second child was suffering congestive heart failure in the womb, and subsequent tests showed that she had trisomy 21. It's not an easy road to walk down. Some of our own story is here.
Posted by: joseph | March 01, 2007 at 09:01 PM
I doubt this womans mental issued just started after her abortion. Such a person perhaps should not be a mother to anyone. (Case in point she is not being a good mother now to he only daughter)
Fact she stated "my only son" unless infertile this statement may not be true
Fact... any adult when considering a pregnacy should have alread set in their mind the "if this happen what will I do" senareo.
There is no doubt in my mind that this abortion was the correct thing to do. Too bad this person wishes to be a martor (spelling not correct) and not enjoy the life she has been given.
A mother of a Down's child.
Posted by: Sarah | May 05, 2008 at 12:04 PM
Sarah - many parents who lose babies to death find that the grief (in some form) continues on for many years to come. Why should this person be exempt from that? What she is expressing is her sense of betrayal by "well meaning" professionals, many of whom are woefully under-educated on such issues. A case in point is the recent research and activism by the CDSS on the ways in which genetic counsellors speak to parents. That would, to me, be more indicative of facts.
And as a side note, at least in my circle we try to say things like "parent of a child who is living with Down Syndrome". As a parent, I wouldn't use the phrase "Down's child" any more than I would refer to an ill parent as a "cancer Dad".
Posted by: joseph | June 06, 2008 at 10:43 PM
I found this statement, from Joseph, profoundly disturbing:
"I doubt this womans mental issued just started after her abortion. Such a person perhaps should not be a mother to anyone. (Case in point she is not being a good mother now to he only daughter)....There is no doubt in my mind that this abortion was the correct thing to do. Too bad this person wishes to be a martor (spelling not correct) and not enjoy the life she has been given...."
I would be more disappointed with our medical system in encouraging abortion - and the lives affected by those who heed such 'wisdom'. Many cannot, and hopefully never have to, know the pain of following medical advice to abort, and discovering their loss is by far more profound than they could imagine, or even hinted at by those giving such advice....and the realization that nothing can undo that decision or completely heal the pain.
Condemnation of those mentally scarred from abortion cannot be tolerated. It is unfortunate that those who do so, fail to realize the consequences of their own actions, and will at some point need the mercy they failed to give.
Posted by: Jaime | July 04, 2008 at 11:39 AM
Jaime - just so you are clear, the commenter's name is below each comment, not above it. The paragraph you quoted was written by Sarah, not by joseph.
Posted by: joseph | July 04, 2008 at 01:29 PM
I was expected to abort by professionals, I will not use the word council or well meaning they weren't. They simply no longer thought our growing baby had any value. I finally just starting hanging up when they continued to phone me to see if I had come to a different decision they said after 22 weeks it gets a little more "difficult" FOR WHO????????????
The baby? ME? THE FAMILY? No for them the "professionals.
I personally was at my most fragile state of mind and now a year later and a very proud Momma of our beautiful son I thank God every day....not just for our angel but for just being too afraid and too stubburn to cave.
God Bless you original poster and as a mom who has also suffered pregnancy loss let me tell the other poster it can throw the most level headed sane person spiraling.
Posted by: Kerry | August 07, 2008 at 02:36 PM
Kerry - thanks for sharing some of your story. One of the things which many of us would like to see changed is the level of accurate information given to prospective parents, and better counselling. It is often woefully inadequate or completely out of date. As you say so well, learning of a difficult prenatal diagnosis is a very hard thing to deal with. Our prayers are with you, and we rejoice at the gift of your son.
Posted by: joseph | August 08, 2008 at 10:15 AM
When reading this information, I cant help but think about the story that my mother has been telling me throughout my life.
When I was still in my mother's womb, the prenatal tests for down syndrome came back positive. It was hard for my mother and father to digest and the doctor asked/ recommended abortion. My parents experienced many problems in trying to conceive me, and they said they were not going to give up.
And I am very thankful for that. I am now 20 years old and have lead a perfectly healthy life: the test had been faulty. I always think about how fortunate and blessed I am to be on this earth.
Posted by: Lindsey | September 17, 2008 at 07:54 PM
My husband and I recently had our first baby, a son, which we love very much. Unfortunately we were only able to have him with us here on earth for 41 days as God called him home. Our son was diagnosed with the possibility of Trisomy 21 at 12 weeks gestation and we were offered all of the tests and an abortion if we wanted to take that route. My husband and I never even thought twice as to our decision as we knew we would love our little boy no matter what.
Please take our story into consideration before you refuse to give your child a fighting chance at this world.
My husband and I spent the duration of our pregnancy thinking that we would have to learn to cope with the challenges that raising a child with Down Syndrome would entail. To us that didn't seem like such a terrible thing to have to do. We know Down Syndrome babies and adults and they lead very meaningful lives in our community. We knew our lives were going to change with the birth of our son but we were completely unprepared for how much and how. You see, it was not the fact that our son was born with Down Syndrome that has made our life tough right now. It is the fact that our son died that makes life tough. It breaks my heart to know that I would give anything to have my baby back, Down Syndrome and all, yet so many people only want a healthy child. My husband and I know how lucky we are to have our son and thank God every day that he chose us to be his parents, despite his health problems and the pain it has caused us now. Please remember that just because a doctor tells you your child may have Trisomy 21, that doesn't make them any less precious or lovable.
Posted by: Wanda | November 17, 2008 at 09:51 PM
Wanda - thanks for sharing your story with us. May God's peace and love be with you.
Posted by: joseph | November 18, 2008 at 11:32 AM
I think you did the right thing by having the abortion. God gave us the ability to see at an early stage of pregnancy many aspects of a fetus's health. He did that so that we can make informed choices. While terminating a pregnancy should never be taken lightly, bringing a child with massive mental and physical problems shouldn't be taken lightly either. Unlike much of the propaganda you see nowadays about these babies--which frequently depicts a happy, peaceful, and healthy down syndrome child-- most of them have serious heart problems, not to mention a host of other serious physical and mental problems that will cause perpetual suffering and agony for practically all of their shortened life. It's simply not fair to bring a child like that into the world just to satisfy one's instinct or one's particular revisionist religious dogma.
Posted by: Cindy Johnson | April 28, 2010 at 11:14 AM
cindy, i could not disagree more. life is for God to give and for God to take, He tells us this in His word! i know a few people with down syndrome who have lived very wonderful lives, and brought so much joy and happiness to all those around them. abortion is murder, plain and simple, and pam is right to regret her decision. i am very glad that she found forgiveness through Christ, and is now moving on in a sense.
Posted by: Nelle | June 29, 2010 at 09:55 PM
My sister and was told that my nephew would have down syndrome, they went ahead and had my lovely little nephew, who was born a very healthy baby no complecations what so ever during his birth!!
My partner’s sister and her boy friend decided to become parents, was told the same as my sister, and decided to terminate the pregnancy. She has since been so traumatised by the abortion, that she has been depressed and miserable for the past 2 months, and has since had her partner leave her as his worried that they cannot create a healthy baby together.
Just two different scenarios 1 1/2 years apart from the same small country town
Posted by: michelle andrews | September 04, 2010 at 09:57 PM
I Am also one the parents who is going right now with this situation. I was 18 the week pregnant when my doc told me that I am carrying DS baby... It's not easy to take decision of getting terminate pregnancy, but we made decision about thinking baby future but now everyday I am questioning myself did I made right decision. I recently had this procedure
Posted by: Poonam | November 03, 2010 at 10:42 AM
Ever consider that there are 8 billion people on earth....god, jesus, santa, easter bunny does not decide who gets a downs baby...its a genetic defect. Its a way to cope though if u are unlucky and are faced with a downs baby.
Posted by: hank | March 16, 2011 at 11:46 PM
Cindy johnson is right.
Posted by: hank | March 16, 2011 at 11:53 PM
Hank and Cindy's posts both broke my heart. While Cindy is correct, heart defects and a series of other physical and mental barriers generally go hand in hand with being blessed by a baby with DS, that does not make their lives any less valuable. (All 9 lbs 2 oz of our baby is recovering from the open-heart surgery he had at 4 months to repair his congenital heart defect, [a complete AV Canal defect]) and I can assure you, he is just as valued and loved as any baby ever has been.) And to quote her, "host of other serious physical and mental problems that will cause perpetual suffering and agony" ... um, what? Perpetual suffering and agony? No. I would like to challenge you, Cindy to find ONE person, child, adult, etc who is "suffering and in agony." You don't even seem to consider them... people. It's like they are less than, simply because of a genetic issue. And Hank. Oh Hank. "unlucky and are faced with a downs baby." Wow. That felt like a personal attack to all of us who do have children with DS in our lives. There is nothing unlucky about it. I feel BLESSED to have a DS baby in my life. Blessed. At 5 months old, this baby has already taught me more about life, and myself, and everyone else in the world than I have learned in almost 20 years... and I know he will continue to do so everyday of his life.
My heart goes out to the both of you, Cindy and Hank... that you may in time be able to see the blessing that is a baby with DS. I can't imagine the kind of sad lives you two must have to be able to say such painful things about a situation that yes, comes with it's challenges, also comes with the greatest love and unsurpassable blessings one could ever imagine.
Posted by: Kbadertscher | March 31, 2011 at 02:06 PM
There is no right or wrong. The "God" we all think of is not vengeful, does not punish, is not an insecure God that needs to be venerated and adored, and we don't get punished. We have "free will" and we didn't come to this plane of existence to suffer. There is no need for suffering. Parents choose to have disable babies for selfish reasons, as well as it is having a termination a selfish reason. It is OK to be selfish. It is your choice. I personally think it is not fair to bring a child into the world that will be bullied (I don't care what you say, even perfectly normal, healthy children have self esteem problems, there will always be a mean child out there that will tease) not fully accepted, and they will suffer, not only physically but emotionally. There is a difference between not knowing that your child had down's until birth than knowing at 12 or 16 weeks. If you didn't know, and your child is born, what can you do but to love him/her... but if you know before hand, why choose that situation for the poor child. Even normal people that are, lets say, overweight feel ostracised... or too tall, or too skinny, or God knows what... now imagine a child that is mentally retarded or slow, that looks and act different, that has health problems etc... what are you going to do when the child cries because he is different, or bullied, or sick or what have you? As a parent I want nothing more for my child to be someone that fits somehow into our society, someone that has opportunities to thrive and be whoever he/she wants to be. To have an education and even if he is not the brightest, went to the best school, has a top paying job... even if he just has a dumb job at a supermarket, a partner and a home, being rented or his own.. to be happy and contented. That I doubt will happen with a down syndrome child. And not everyone feels blessed by it. Some feel cursed or punished, why me? That is why 90% of babies diagnosed with Down's get aborted and some get put up for adoption. You have to have a very stable marriage, be financially stable, be strong psychologically, emotionally etc to be able to deal with what having a down's baby involves. And not everyone can say they are all that.
It is not easy to abort a child, especially a much wanted one but you also have to take the greater good into consideration. Well that is my opinion, and... opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one.
Posted by: Aimee | April 03, 2011 at 06:15 AM
Wow, this is a hot thread. As always, I really appreciate your cool-headedness and thoughtfulness, Joe.
Aimee, I wonder what you mean by "The greater good". Do you speak of a kingdom of man 'greater good', or that from a Kingdom of Heaven being instantiated now? That is, on what basis is the life of the parent and child to be measured? Why only from a socio-economic standpoint?
Posted by: MacK | April 06, 2011 at 02:50 PM
MacK - nice to hear your (digital) voice? How are you these days? And where are you? Close enough for beverages or still traveling?
Posted by: joseph | April 06, 2011 at 05:21 PM
Everyone's viewpoint is valid and clear. I don't think I could agree with Aimee or Cindy any more or less than say MacK or anyone else. However, the poster sarah's mention of how she believed aborting the baby was "obviously the right choice", that confuse me because really, no one else is saying that you Should ever clearly abort a baby but as Aimee stated, an opinions an opinion and everyone's entitled to one or more.
Posted by: Alanè | August 12, 2011 at 11:57 AM