The Order for the Blessing of a Mini Van ("BMV") with Stow n Go Seating (for Winston), and nods to the entire Faith, Worship, & Ministry Committee of the Anglican Church of Canada.
The Community gathers around the MV. All should be dressed appropriately; children should be wearing freshly laundered items, preferably white or light colours. At no time are the responses to be said or sung in unison: a random senseless chattering is preferred.
The presider (“One”) begins with the ancient latin three-fold form of the “Itemus”.
One: Here we go, here we go, here we go.
All: Are we there yet?
The procession leading into the BMV begins, led by the pater familias, children are strapped into various seats, but not in such a way as to imply that their auto-nomous freedom is in any way compromised. Such an act of contraint by the pater familias is a remnant of patriarchal power imbalance, and must be recognized as such.
The Prayer of Transport:
We come before you, and indeed even enter into your most inward self, O blessed mode of travel. We come in the weakness of our commute, our pilgrim journey amidst the busy rush of life. It is you, O Mini Van, who carry us beyond our present places of indifference and solitude. In you alone many may gather and vacation as one; it is through you that all are invited to come and share in the One Ride.
When first our transportation began, in days of mythic past, we enjoyed the economy of the ‘86 Honda Hatchback. Yet such a vehicle was foreign to us, and we ran it into the ground. Now we rejoice in the provision you have made for the perpetuation of middle class lifestyle, through the marketing of the domestic and the union made vehicle. For it is not the destination, but the consumption along the journey, that gives us meaning.
Beneath your hood is mystery; for in the days of our youth we took an arts degree. And so we abandon all reason as we enter your sanctuary.
The Great Snack:
At this point the elements of the Great Snack are distributed to the Occupants. The meal must have a chocolate layer which melts on contact with human flesh. The drink must be of a deep hue, preferably grape or raspberry.
The Great Snack is distributed, after which follows:
The Breaking of the Peace.
Here all assault their neighbours.
Accusations, Confession, & Counter-Accusations.
One: May One greater than I help you, if I have to stop this van.
All: It was his/her/their/its fault.
Chaos ensues; night descends.
Not enough for your inner liturgist? Try this “Journeying Beyond: A Pilgrimage of Exodus after Confirmation”
Joe, that's hilarious! I'll keep it on file for when we outgrow the Grand Am. Congratulations to you all on the birth of Justin.
Posted by: Stephanie | March 27, 2006 at 04:28 PM
Well, ya know, ya just can't move up in this company unless you are a good liturgist. I figure if I can pump out a few of these, get myself noticed by the big wigs, I'll find myself appointed to one of those fancy-shmancy committees, where the real action is... tea, sherry, port... isn't that the anglican trinity?
Posted by: Joseph | March 27, 2006 at 09:11 PM
Wow, I've been a practicing Anglican for the last four years and didn't even know it! Although I guess since I don't have the Stow n Go seats (thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's van, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's van...) I'm not really orthodox.
A blessing of peace and safety be unto your van and all whom it transports!
Posted by: Winston | March 27, 2006 at 11:01 PM
The words to respond elude me... All I can say is that this is fantastic material. Fan-tastic! You should submit it to the Sacred Sandwich site.
Posted by: Uncle MacK | March 28, 2006 at 06:18 PM
...and some people say I have too much time on my hands!!
Posted by: Joseph | March 28, 2006 at 08:24 PM
"The drink must be of a deep hue, preferably grape or raspberry" Is the sacrament valid if other than 'pure grape juice' used? Is grape punch flavour drink equally valid? We need to convene a working group...and produce a report...the 'st BMV report'.
Posted by: Matt | March 28, 2006 at 08:42 PM
I'll have to check with Winston on that one, Matt. I am sure he has had experience with several varieties and flavours of both juices and soft drinks over that last few years. Perhaps the spilling of the raspberry juice is reserved for a "baptismal" kind of thing on the upholstery...
Posted by: Joseph | March 28, 2006 at 08:53 PM
Well there is a profound theological issue at stake here, that of whether the "drink of deep hue" is merely symbolic or whether there is a miracle of a transubstantiative nature taking place.
I lean towards the transubstantiative school of thought since in my experience even plain water, upon spilling, somehow becomes a drink of not only deep hue but instantaneous and permanent colourfastness. And don't get me started on how one plain cracker transforms into enough crumbs to reconstitute an entire French loaf.
There are indeed mysteries here, dark troubling mysteries...
Posted by: Winston | March 28, 2006 at 09:17 PM
Joseph,
Bravo. This is some of your best work. Really.
I suspect that by Anglican standards it is nearly perfect. Though your theology is flawed (like the BAS), your language is superior (unlike the BAS). So once the appropriate committees have removed all the beauty, BMV will no doubt be found recorded in Vestry books right across the country.
Cheers,
Troy
Could you work on something for the Lawn Mower?
Posted by: Troy | March 29, 2006 at 01:59 PM
There'll be no ice cream for you at the stop!
I'll start working on the Lawn Mower. By the way, when I was doing summer jobs in landscaping, we used to quote James 5:4.
Posted by: Joseph | March 29, 2006 at 07:55 PM
waaaaaa! I want ice cream.
Sorry I've jumped the gun about the lawn mower. First, I am going to need a burial service/rite (whatever you Anglicans call it) for the current one, never mind a blessing for the new one.
Posted by: Troy | March 30, 2006 at 03:56 PM
I was laughing, okay snickering quietly to myself, before I had even read it. Actually, when I saw there were eleven comments I figured I should read the reviews first. They tell me that I should in fact now go back and read more than the first three lines. And I expect a hearty guffaw.
Posted by: ahab | March 30, 2006 at 11:38 PM
Yup, three guffaws. Thanks.
Posted by: ahab | March 30, 2006 at 11:41 PM
Many guffaws here. God bless you and your minivan.
Posted by: The Sheepcat | April 08, 2006 at 06:50 PM
A hearty hello from the neighbor in confusion to the south. Delighted to see that you've upheld the spirit of true,quirky Anglicanism, and our collective sense of humor. Not much giggling going on down here in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan these days..thanks to our national leadership, lifestyle and other accoutrements.
Waving at you from across Lake Superior, where our parish chapel is known to devotees as "the bus" and we've wondered about an airline style in-flight cart to distribute drinks!
Stay sane and Anglo-Catholic! (Not necessarily in that order!)
Posted by: Slacker Anglican | October 27, 2006 at 03:48 PM
I just read this for the first time today and it is absolutely priceless! I'm glad I found it.
Posted by: Leslie | October 27, 2006 at 08:04 PM
...it's amazing what turns up in the archives from time to time...
Posted by: joseph | October 27, 2006 at 11:47 PM