felix hominum

An address to the Canadian Prayer Book Society

This afternoon I had the honour of being the featured speaker at the annual general meeting of the Prayer Book Society of Canada.  Here is the basic content of the talk I delivered.  I'm sure there are typos, missing sentences,  and errors of a more substantial nature which you may feel free to bring to my attention.  There was a Q&A afterward, some of which I'll add later.  Some of my readers will have heard bits and pieces of our story elsewhere;  some has appeared here, other bits are public for the first time. 

Here is part one.  Part two will follow in a few days, or when I have time. 
Tomorrow is mother's day...

Thanksgiving After Childbirth:  Choosing Sarah Joy in an Age of Options

A Starting Point: 

O lord open thou our lips,
And our mouth shall show forth thy praise.

We are blessed with 4 children – 2 girls and 2 boys –. They range in age from 10 years to 3 years.  Needless to say, our fridge is awash with artwork, our yard is littered with various signs of the small armies passing through, and we have over the past number of years come up with our own “Liturgy for the Blessing of A Minivan” to commemorate this particular stage of parenthood.  I consider myself an accomplished liturgist, and so I thought I would treat the PBSC to a small sample of my work:

LITURGY:

The Community gathers around the BMV.  All should be dressed appropriately;  children should be wearing freshly laundered items, preferably white or light colours.  At no time are the responses to be said or sung in unison: a random senseless chattering is preferred.
The presider (“One”) begins with the ancient latin three-fold form of the “Itemus”.

One:   Here we go, here we go, here we go.
All:      Are we there yet?

The procession leading into the BMV begins, led by the pater familias, children are strapped into various seats, but not in such a way as to imply that their auto-nomous freedom is in any way compromised.  Such an act of contraint  by the pater familias is a remnant of patriarchal power imbalance, and must be recognized as such.

The Prayer of Transport:

We come before you, and indeed even enter into your most inward self, O blessed mode of travel.  We come in the weakness of our commute, our pilgrim journey amidst the busy rush of life.  It is you, O Mini Van, who carry us beyond our present places of indifference and solitude.  In you alone many may gather and vacation as one; it is through you that all are invited to come and share in the One Ride.  

Now we rejoice in the provision you have made for the perpetuation of middle class lifestyle, through the marketing of the domestic and the union made vehicle.  For it is not the destination, but the consumption along the journey, that gives us meaning.

Beneath your hood is mystery; for in the days of our youth we took an arts degree.  And so we abandon all reason as we enter your sanctuary.

The Great Snack:
At this point the elements of the Great Snack are distributed to the Occupants.   The meal must have a chocolate layer which melts on contact with human flesh.  The drink must be of a deep hue, preferably grape or raspberry.
The Great Snack is distributed, after which follows:

The Breaking of the Peace.
Here all assault their neighbours.

Accusations, Confession, & Counter-Accusations.
One:   May One greater than I help you, if I have to stop this van.
All:      It was his/her/their/its fault.
Chaos ensues; night descends.

There are times when I have come to appreciate the circumstances under which the ancient Canaanites sacrificed their children.

PBSC talk:  what is it not about:  it is not about public policy, or the culture war, although doubtless it has implication for such things.

It is, rather, about a person, it is about coming to see the image of God, looking forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.  It is about being shaped by a particular kind of Christian Discipleship, and learning, by grace, to grow into that discipleship – not that I have already achieved or am already there, as St Paul would say, but rather to invite and pray that one’s self might be shaped by such a thing.

A Story

In the winter of 2001 I was attending a clergy retreat with my colleagues from the Diocese of Edmonton.  The retreat leader (I forget who it was), finished one of his addresses with reference to one of his favourite Henri Nouwen books;  “Adam”.  “Adam” is the tale of Nouwen’s encounter with a young man who lived with profound disabilities, and how Christ used Adam to tranform Nouwen’s heart in many ways. 

I thought it interesting enough:  I had read some of Nouwen’s work, but not that particular book; maybe I should pick it up someday when I have the time.  I was scheduled to assist with the Communion service to follow the address, and so I sauntered off to see about robes and bread and wine.  On my way I was approached by one of the staff of the retreat center, handing me a message to call home.

I made a what I thought was going to be a casual phone call:  Alisa was pregnant with our second child, and I was now a veteran of what husbands around the world know as the pregnant lady condition:  perhaps I needed to pick up some ice cream and skor bars on the way home.

Alisa told me that she had just come back from what was supposed to be a “routine ultrasound” (I suppose on reflection there is no such thing), and that our second child was showing signs of congestive heart failure in the womb.  It was unclear at that point what the cause was, or if there were other, additional complications and conditions.

I listened, we prayed.  And as I made my way to prepare for Communion, I was struck by a thought which entered my mind, or my heart, or both:  this child will be your “Adam”.

As we made our way through the medical system over the next several weeks, we discovered that there was a great likelihood that this unborn child also had Down Syndrome – a genetic condition.

We live in an age of options:  one which was very quickly presented to us was that of “terminating the pregnancy”, as they say.  The scientific literature on the topic tells us that upwards of 85% of prenatal diagnoses of Down Syndrome result in that option.   In recent years advocacy organizations for persons with Down Syndrome have noted that all too often, information provided to prospective parents by the medical community has been less than adequate.  

Love and Fear:

I suppose looking back now there are several things which informed and shaped and moved us to make the decision we did. 

In an age where the gift of sexuality is often seen as a means of “personal fulfillment only”, we understood that gift to be exercised for a purpose other than the self, and indeed, other than the immediate other  - the beloved.  It is a gift that, in itself, begets a gift. 

Our decision to become parents is the first means of learning what that elusive phrase “unconditional love” really means in the flesh – incarnated.  Indeed, when it comes to prenatal diagnosis, how can one learn of unconditional love if one begins to select the conditions upon which a child’s place in the family and community must depend.?  The Age of Designer babies is almost upon us.  Exercising the gift of sexuality is an invitation to commit to a great unknown in faith.  Most of us do not consider that unknown at the time; at least I know I did not.  But I knew this:  my responsibility as a parent begins with the exercise of the gift of sexuality.

We had no romantic illusions about what parenting this child would mean. It would mean sacrifices – physically, emotionally, perhaps financially. What would this child’s future be? Would be caregivers for the rest of our lives? How would this impact our marriage, our family, our careers?

As we look back, a big part of the choice had to do with the difference between love and fear. I worked in a major Canadian university with a large teaching hospital. I have many friends in professional fields of health care, education and counseling. As we became more educated about Down Syndrome, and got in contact with people in all of those fields, we began to ease the fear that can easily overwhelm parents of children with disabilities.

As we look back on that choice between love and fear, we recall the saying from the Scriptures that “perfect love casts out fear”. We believe that God is on to something there: that so many of our important decisions in life have to do with the choice between love and fear. We could choose to love this child (no matter what), or choose to be afraid of the future, of how this person would change and affect our lives. In choosing to have the baby, we did not think God would magically “rescue” us from difficulties now or in the future, but that he would give us the grace to learn how to love more deeply through whatever the future may hold.

TWO PRAYERS

There are two prayers side by side in the service of Thanksgiving after Childbirth:  Evidently it has been the custom to pray one or the other, but not both: 

O GOD, our heavenly Father, we thank thee and praise thy glorious Name, that thou hast been pleased to bless this thy servant, and to bestow upon her the gift of a child: Grant, we beseech thee, most merciful Father, that she and her husband may diligently lead this child In the way of righteousness, to their own great blessing and the glory of thy Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Or the Minister may say:

O GOD whose ways are hidden and thy works most wonderful, who makest nothing in vain and lovest all that thou hast made: Comfort thou thy servants, whose hearts are sore smitten and oppressed; and grant that they may so love and serve thee in this life, that they may obtain the fulness of thy promises in the world to come; through our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Most, if not all, of parents who discover a very difficult prenatal diagnosis experience some kind of grief.  I am not comparing that grief with the experience of those who have suffered through the death of child, but it is a grief nonetheless.  It is the kind of grief which is renewed at various stages:  upon birth - a mixture of joy and trembling;  it is a grief which shows itself again when other children are learning their first words, taking their first steps;  it is a grief which is renewed on the first day of school, and it is a grief renewed with the first instance of name calling and bullying. 

I found myself in the unexpected posture of praying both of these prayers at once – prayers both of thankfulness and rejoicing, and a sense of grief and sorrow at the way in which human brokenness, the effects of the old fault of Adam in the Garden of Eden, are still echoing through our world, and indeed, continue to echo through our very selves – our souls and bodies. 

And there in the prayers are the things into which we must be shaped:  faith in a God who ways are hidden, and yet whose works are most wonderful;  who makest nothing in vain and lovest all that He has made.  Such a “shaping” is not an easy thing.

Parents of children with disabilities get used to the parade of specialists who become a routine feature of family life.  Some years ago, when SJ was probably about 2, we had a visit from an occupational therapist.  It was a fascinating event.  Apparently the natural position of the hand is clenched, closed.  Opening the hand is actually a learned behavior.  We make the mistake of thinking that it "comes naturally", but that is because for most of us, we do not realize how we are taught to do it.
With SJ, the process was intentional and long, and yes, difficult.  This learning to "ungrasp", this letting go of things to which we cling so fiercely, is not merely a physical difficulty.

Sometimes people can be parables:  Sarah Joy is one of them:  she has become to us a living parable.

As the process continues, one discovers that the best way of teaching the proper motions, is the simple process of hand over hand.  Most of us who are parents have done this in one form or another.  Let me give you an example:  In order to teach Sarah Joy a number of very basic hand movements, we engaged daily in the exercise of hand over hand:  my hand over her hand, opening, closing, reaching, touching. 

It is, for me, an image of a life of Christian discipleship lived under guidance.  For in order to be truly shaped, we must allow the hand of Father to be over our hands, the life of Christ to be over our lives, the finger of the Spirit to over our fingers:  And as we submit to that shaping, we become what we are meant to be. 

It is a liturgical act, as are many things in life.   It is the way of Discipleship of Common Prayer:  we pray these things in order to have the hand of God shape our lives and our hearts.

Choosing Sarah Joy means choosing to be shaped under the hand of God, through a most unlikely messenger.  It means choosing, as Jesus did, not to put out a smouldering wick, or to break a reed that is already bending and bruised.  It is to understand that the Christian’s final hope of healing and redemption of both body and soul is the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.

Beyond Pro birth to Pro life

As I said at the beginning, this talk is not primarily about policies and culture wars, laws and proclamations, but one may find implications for the Christian in some of the things which I have said.

There is a wonderful American poet by the name of Craig Romkema.  He lives with a number of disabilities.  In one of his collections he writes:

You whose language flows coherently,
whose ideas sparkle like wine on the tongue,
remember your gift
and use it well,
for me.

[From the collection "Embracing the Sky:  Poems Beyond Disability"]

One of the things which separates the community of the intellectually disabled from other communities searching for rights is the great lack of self-advocacy.  Unlike other oppressed minorities, they have few self-advocates.  They do not stage demonstrations or run for parliament.  They do not organize media campaigns or engineer public vocabulary.  They do not file human rights complaints or challenge court cases.

Perhaps because of this, as a church we are woefully behind in bringing the Gospel to bear on the advances in technology.   In an inclusive church where many are looking for "sacramental inclusion", we are perhaps called to speak for those who may not even make it to the baptismal font. – they cannot speak for themselves.  Yet the final word cannot be mere silence, as some of the postmodernists or nihilists would have us believe.  It must be praise:

O GOD, our heavenly Father, we thank thee and praise thy glorious Name, that thou hast been pleased to bless this thy servant, and to bestow upon her the gift of a child: Grant, we beseech thee, most merciful Father, that she and her husband may diligently lead this child In the way of righteousness, to their own great blessing and the glory of thy Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

The answer, I submit, is not to be found in more law; it is to be found in more grace...

[Part Two to follow in a day or two or three..]

the church at prayer

 

Coptic area, Old Cairo
photo Joe Walker, 2007

a season of prayer

Every Friday in Lent, from 9:30-3:00 pm.  A few of us are gathering to pray at St Timothy's.
8430 - 145 Street.  Drop in for the day or a part thereof.  If there are any more details, I'll update.

you who know yourself to be God

I have a fairly modest library on the subject of prayer, and it is a source of much wisdom and advice.  It is difficult for a fellow disciple to provide a full and satisfactory answer to the the request "Teach us to pray".  I have had many experiences of prayer, and one central discipline of prayer, which I can consciously recall over the past two decades. 

I've prayed with charismatics praying in "tongues".  I myself have never experienced that particular thing, though the charismatic Christians with whom I've prayed have also offered what Paul would call "an interpretation", and that was both good and beneficial.  I've also prayed with some folks whose "language of prayer" is rather like the speaking in tongues business, but at an altogether different level.  Praying among a community of persons with intellectual disabilities is an experience in and of itself, and it is something which I find continues to shape my views on prayer and communion with God. 

My own discipline of prayer consists mainly of the daily offices taken from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer.  Morning and evening.  Set forms of prayer.  A way of reading Scripture.  Daily confession.  Daily absolution.  Reminders to pray for those whom I would naturally forget.  And "common" prayer - praying with the communion of saints.  After praying the daily offices for over 20 years (yeah, I started doing it as an undergrad), I find that such a thing continues to shape and form my faith and, indeed, my life.

With all of that as foundation, there is also that occasional expression in and of prayer when my soul is moved in a different way, and, recognizing my own limitations (tower of babel), I have on more than one occasion addressed my prayer to "You who know yourself to be God".
Yes, yes, I know, I know.  It will be almost impossible to convey how this form of prayer is really a conclusion to Christian piety.  Yet this is the place where, through the repeated formative practice of daily common prayer, I am sometimes led.  It is a place of (to steal a phrase) 'penitential adoration' - which doesn't mean what you might think it means.  It is a place of joyful penance (which probably sounds like a happy trip to the dentist).  In the same way, there is a place for a deeper knowledge of God which cannot be expressed using the formative prayer, although it is based upon it, and would not happen without it.

Be still, and know that I am God.

BTW, I'll be on a silent retreat for the next couple of days, which is probably just as well.  If you see a post or two it will most likely be the fancy-shmancy typepad feature which lets you publish a post at a time of your choosing.

committing to the unknown

The mystery of man and woman in marriage is, according to St Paul, something to think about in regard to the relationship between Christ and the church.  Now I have a few people with whom I'm doing "pre-marriage counseling", which for the most part consists of coffee and conversation. 

There are two thoughts which I find important, perhaps the most important, to share.  First, I find it is often the case with young people of faith that they hope that by being married, they can (insert your terms here) do more of God's work; that they can, as a couple be of more use to the kingdom, than if they remain single.  That is, they see the marriage as a means to another end, albeit a noble means and a noble end.  What I try to get across is that I think the marriage itself is the witness, the further work, by which God will speak to their world.

The second point is this:  in taking a marriage vow you are essentially committing yourself to an unknown.  You are committing yourself not to who the person is (that is usually the enticement to marriage), but rather you are committing yourself to whomever the person will become.  And that is to commit yourself to an unknown.

Now what has this to do with Christ and the church?  Well, is it not possible to commit oneself while recognizing at the same time that we are committing, joining ourselves, to an "unknown"?  This works two ways.  Of course we can say that we know something of God, of Jesus.  But we also sign on to who he will reveal himself to be more fully, and that is the unknown.  On our side, I think we also must learn that when we enter this faith, we ourselves are committing to become whatever he wishes us to be - which again is an unknown.  Paul once tried to persuade us that if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creation.  Not merely a renovation of the old one, but a new creation.  We (or at least I) generally tend to go for the renovation idea - redemption is not really about "new creation";  it is more about transforming who I already am, with all the things which I believe contribute to my identity.  But what would it be like if the offer really was to be a "new creation" - something entirely new born out of the imagination of God?  I think that is the possibility to which we submit ourselves when we truly desire to be "in Christ".  We commit ourselves to becoming something we have not yet even imagined.

Bernard of Clairvaux: on loving God

At first, man loves himself for his own sake. That is the flesh, which can appreciate nothing beyond itself. Next, he perceives that he cannot exist by himself, and so begins by faith to seek after God, and to love Him as something necessary to his own welfare. That is the second degree, to love God, not for God's sake, but selfishly. But when he has learned to worship God and to seek Him aright, meditating on God, reading God's Word, praying and obeying His commandments, he comes gradually to know what God is, and finds Him altogether lovely. So, having tasted and seen how gracious the Lord is (Ps. 34:8), he advances to the third degree, when he loves God, not merely as his benefactor but as God.

Surely he must remain long in this state; and I know not whether it would be possible to make further progress in this life to that fourth degree and perfect condition wherein man loves himself solely for God's sake. Let any who have attained so far bear record; I confess it seems beyond my powers.

On Loving God, XV

I'm thinking this might be a post series.  It's a great little work, wherein Bernard takes us through the "four degrees of love."  You can find it in English here.

I've found that the best way to get naked together

is by praying the psalms.

Mrs Felix & I began praying the psalms as a bit of an Advent thing, and have found it to be a rewarding thing to do.

Why the psalms?  And why the title?  Because by praying the psalms, I find (and you might too) that pretty much every facet of one's inner world is exposed by some burst of anger, some shout of praise, some sigh of longing, which is found somewhere in the book of psalms.  Allowing the voice of the psalms to shape our prayers has helped us to give voice to those deeper sighs, delights, disappointments, frustrations and joys which are too often covered up in our everyday life.  To pray deeply (especially with one's spouse) is, well, a form of spiritual uncovering and nakedness of which one need not be ashamed.

Go ahead.  Pray the psalms.  Get naked.

Sharon's Christmas prayer

She was five,
sure of the facts,
and recited them
with slow solemnity
convinced every word
was revelation.

She said
they were so poor
they had only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
to eat
and they went a long way from home
without getting lost. The lady rode
a donkey, the man walked, and the baby
was inside the lady.
They had to stay in a stable
with an ox and an ass (hee-hee)
but the Three Rich Men found them
because a star lited the roof.
Shepherds came and you could
pet the sheep but not feed them.
Then the baby was borned.
And do you know who he was?
Her quarter eyes inflated
to silver dollars.
The baby was God.

And she jumped in the air
whirled around, dove into the sofa
and buried her head under the cushion
which is the only proper response
to the Good News of the Incarnation.

– John Shea, The Hour of the Unexpected

I had forgotten how much I loved this poem, until I read it recently on T19.  

the happy moron tells it like it is

I think I’m slowly coming to the realization that when I’m mired in overwhelming or dire circumstances and call out “God, help!!”, He does help.

But it seems when God steps in, he seems more interested in transforming me than the impending doom

the happy moron

St John's Shaughnessy will vote on staying in Anglican Church of Canada

Related post here.  I have a few longtime friends at SJS.  I'm hoping to talk with them for a bit over the weekend.  While from one point of view there will be some cheering, this morning's daily office had this in it:  "For as long as there is jealousy and quarrelling among you, are you not of the flesh, and behaving according to human inclinations?" 

Update:  results of their vote is here, along with a few links.

Members of St. John's Shaughnessy Anglican Church, a neo-Gothic landmark in the heart of the city's wealthiest neighbourhood, are gathering for an expected vote on breaking with Vancouver-area Bishop Michael Ingham over the issue of same-sex blessings and trying to take the church property with them.

Ingham has warned St. John's Shaughnessy that what it is considering is "schismatic." If members of the large parish at the corner of Granville and Nanton try operating under the authority of a South American Anglican bishop or anyone else, Ingham said, they will not be legally able to hold onto the church property.

From the Victoria Times Colonist

St John's Shaughnessy parish website

New Westminster diocesan website has an excerpts from Bishop Ingham's letter to parishes:

“Any attempt to betray that trust through schismatic action is a ground for immediate termination of license or removal from office, and may well subject those same individuals to civil proceedings also,” he wrote.

The letter was directed to clergy, wardens, and trustees of St. John’s Shaughnessy, Church of the Good Shepherd, and St. Matthias/St. Luke, all in Vancouver, and to St. Matthew’s Abbotsford.

The four parishes are listed on the website of the Anglican Network in Canada as being member parishes. Leaders of the Network are engaged in establishing a separate Church in Canada under the jurisdiction of an Anglican Church in South America, the Province of the Southern Cone.

Bishop Ingham’s letter followed a similar epistle issued by a neighbouring bishop, James Cowan, who is Bishop of British Columbia, which covers Vancouver Island. On January 30, Bishop Cowan sent a letter to all his parishes, also warning any attempt to transfer episcopal and synod jurisdiction to another Anglican Province.

Both bishops wrote that if a resolution to leave the diocese came before any parish’s annual meeting, the chair of the meeting is obliged to rule it out of order as “ultra vires”–beyond the powers of any parish or congregation.

“There may be clergy and laity who, in good conscience, feel they can no longer remain members of the Diocese of New Westminster or the Anglican Church of Canada. Resignation of office and the seeking of a spiritual home elsewhere is the honourable and appropriate course of action for such persons,” wrote Bishop Ingham, echoing a similar passage in Bishop Cowan’s earlier letter.

list of candidates announced for next bishop of Edmonton

The Search committee has posted the names of the candidates for the upcoming episcopal election for the next Bishop of Edmonton on the diocesan website:

The Rev. Wendy AINSWORTH
The Very Rev. Dr. Jane ALEXANDER
The Rt. Rev. David ASHDOWN
The Ven. Edward KING
The Rev. Darcey LAZERTE
The Rev. Dr. Mervyn MERCER
The Very Rev. Peter WALL

I've met 6 (I think) of the candidates.

There is a provision in the process for additional names to be added up to 72 hours prior to the beginning of the electoral synod.

Over the next little while we will be looking at the various documents we've been asked to consider as we discern who is called to be our next bishop.  Understanding the vocation of a bishop is key to helping us discern the person called to that office.  In the meantime, it would be appropriate to uphold all these people in prayer.  It is probably not an easy thing to discern whether to let one's name stand. 

While we are first and foremost called to pray for discernment, the diocesan committee will also be posting information on the candidates, as well as their responses to a series of questions.  As a delegate to the synod, I will be looking at those responses when they are available.

I would like to remind us that each of these persons holds an office of leadership within our church.  No doubt, there will be initial preferences among various the members of our diocese as to whom they think is best suited to be our next bishop, and whom they think is not so called.  Such a situation is unavoidable.  It is particularly acute at this time in the life of our church. However, we are called to follow advice which St Paul himself heeded and quoted:  "You shall not speak evil of a leader of my people."  Look it up (Acts 23 et al).  That sentiment will be the guiding policy for any discussion (and comments) here at felix hominum in the upcoming weeks.

Click here for the Episcopal election post series

Don't forget that soon we will be descending into Hell.

Update:  since I'm going to be away from the blog for much of the day, and to avoid any possibility of having to check comments as they come in, I'm going to close off the comments here for a while.  The pancake mix is calling.

thoughts on the end of week of prayer for Christian unity

This Sunday marks the end of yet another 'Week of Prayer for Christian Unity'? No doubt this past week has been filled with ecumenical services around the world as different Christian traditions (denominations) join together in worship of our Lord.

I must admit that I find much of what goes on during this week somewhat trite. It's almost as if we're saying to the world, "Look at us! We're holding hands, singing the same hymns, and worshipping the same way for this one service. See, we're united!

from a priest in Labrador

book review: God on Mute: Engaging the silence of unanswered prayer II

Last week I spent 3 days on a silent retreat with a group of local clergy.  This is an annual event;  it's been a January tradition to bundle up, head out to the Star of the North Retreat Center, and spend a few days in prayer, reading, listening, and fellowship.

As it was a silent retreat, I thought it only fitting to take along Pete Greig's "God on Mute:  Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Prayer".  I started the book a few days prior to the retreat, and thought it would be a good book to read at that particular place, at that particular time.

It was seven years ago, during the annual silent retreat, that I received a message to call home.  We were expecting our second child.  AK had gone to the clinic for a routine ultrasound (as if seeing into the womb can possibly be routine!).  Sarah Joy was suffering from congestive heart failure in utero.  There could be any number of causes.  We'd like to do more tests.  Would you like to schedule a termination of the pregnancy?  We'd like you to speak with the geneticist.  Pete Grieg's book tries to give people a way forward when God is silent.  Not when God says "no" to our prayers, but when God decides to take his time in giving us the answer, when he is silent for a moment. 

The overall pattern of the book is a journey through the last days of Jesus' earthly life.  We walk with Jesus on Maundy Thursday.  If there was ever an "unanswered" prayer, it is surely Jesus' prayer that we might be one.  Jesus' prayer in the garden is often a model for our own.  We pray with Jesus that cups might be taken away from us, and yet so often it seems that is the only draught God offers.  Not my will, but yours.

On Good Friday we are God-forsaken.  Jesus' cry of abandonment from the Cross becomes our own - why, why, why, have you forsaken me.  In this section Greig tries to work through some of the "why" questions.  Why does the world seem to work the way it does?  Why is my prayer not being answered?  What are the ways in which these questions have been answered by Christians, and how can a deeper understanding of God's will, God's world and God's work help us through our personal "Good Friday" prayers.  In this section he takes us through the series of simpler answers which we might be accustomed to.  I have heard many of those same answers from well meaning friends and strangers.  I think my favorite was the plea to "Just pray Jabez" and SJ would be healed.  But while those answers which Greig enumerates can and do have their place, I am glad that he takes us to Holy Saturday.

In our fear of unknowing, we leapfrog Holy Saturday and rush the resurrection.  We race disconcerted to make meaning and find beauty where there simply is none.  Yet.

This is the real place of struggle for unanswered prayers.  The time when God truly is silent.  Greig's observation is true - we want to hurry through Holy Saturday to Easter.  It is a day of silence.  Yet, we are reminded: though God is silent, He is not absent.  This is the deeper place of Christian trust, when we have to say "into your hands I commend my spirit".  It is the place of trusting in God's presence with us when all signs of his presence have vanished.  Too often we try to rush others through this day as well.  Or we try to fill the void with something of our own creation.  I think of how we like to fill hospital rooms with chatter and stuff, when sometimes our mere presence is what is needed.  Not our voice.

Then Greig points us to the Resurrection - the place where all prayer is answered.  The book is seasoned with his own experiences of struggling with "unanswered prayer".  And at the end he gives a bit of a guided resource for reflection which can be used alone or in groups.  The book is a good antidote to overly triumphalist Christianity, and it addresses a concern that many Christians have, but which often (I have found) they are not very willing to admit.  After all, what kind of Christian is ignored by God?  This book is food for thought and prayer for all of us who have wondered why God doesn't answer... I'd give it 8 out of 10.

related post:  God on Mute

God On Mute: Engaging The Silence Of Unanswered Prayer

Pete Greig recounts the scene from Narnia where Digory asks the Lion for the magic fruit, knowing it will cure his mother.  There is a secret hope that the Lion will immediately say "yes", and a dreadful fear that he will "no".  Instead, as Grieg reminds us, the Lion says neither. 

He is silent...

Many of us will have had those times when there was neither a clear yes or no.  There was silence.  I recall a time some years ago when there were numerous people praying for our daughter, SJ.  At one point I idly figured out (our minds turn to such things at such times) that there were people in over a dozen countries on 3 continents all praying for one particular person.  It seems out prayers can, at times, hit the ceiling and bounce back down.  There are times when we do not hear an answer.  We may want to shout back:  take your own advice - "say either yes or no", but say something, lest I be tempted to spit you out of my mouth.

It is the kind of struggle which we all to often keep to ourselves.  Perhaps we will be accused of "not having enough faith", or "not praying persistently", or not doing it "the right way."  If you have ever felt God was simply silent, well, you are not alone.  This is a difficult topic, and as I make my way through the book, I hope that Greig offers something for us to hope on.

The weekend's reading: 
God On Mute: Engaging The Silence Of Unanswered Prayer
Pete Greig

Update:  review now posted here.

Robert Crouse on Prayer

And so, as a pilgrim who travels along a road he has not been on before believes each building seen in the distance is the inn, and finding it not so directs his belief to the next, and so from house to house, until at last he finds the inn; just so our soul, as soon as it enters upon the new and unfamiliar road of this life, directs its eyes towards the end, the highest good, and each thing it sees which manifests some good, it takes to be that end.

And because its knowledge is at first imperfect, inexperienced and untaught, little goods seem great to it, and thus it begins its longing first with them. Thus, we see the infant intensely longing for an apple; and then, later on, for a little bird; and then, still further on, fine clothes; and then a horse; and then a mistress; then modest riches; then more; and then still more. And that is because in none of these things does it find that for which it ever seeks, and it believes to find it further on.

Prayer is the interpretation, the articulation of all this desire: the soul's ceaseless desire for God; and prayer is therefore, indeed, as George Herbert describes it, "soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." Indeed, the desire is itself the substance of the prayer, as St. Augustine remarks in one of his sermons: "Desire itself prays, even if the tongue be still. If you always desire, always you pray. When does prayer sleep? Only when desire grows cold."

full text here (MS Word doc):

Heavenly Avarice

via the best little anglican church website in canada

The Throne of Love

A meditation for Holy Cross Day

"We venerate the cross as a safeguard of faith, as the strengthening of hope and the throne of love. It is the sign of mercy, the proof of forgiveness, the vehicle of grace and the banner of peace. We venerate the cross, because it has broken down our pride, shattered our envy, redeemed our sin and atoned for our punishment.

"The cross of Christ is the door to heaven, the key to paradise, the downfall of the devil, the uplifting of mankind, the consolation of our imprisonment, the  prize for our freedom. The cross was the hope of the patriarchs, the promise of the prophets, the triumph of kings and the ministry of priests. Tyrants are convicted by the cross and the mighty ones defeated, it lifts up the miserable and honors the poor. The cross is the end of darkness, the spreading of light, the flight of death, the ship of life and the kingdom of salvation.

"Whatever we accomplish for God, whatever we succeed and hope for, is the fruit of our veneration of  the cross. By the cross Christ draws everything to him. It is the kingdom of the Father, the scepter of the Son and the seal of the Holy Spirit, a witness to the total Trinity."

Rupert, Abbot of Deutz, early 12th century

the parish blog of St. Timothy

will be found over here.  In theory, it will be part of the online presence of St. Timothy's Anglican church, with much inspiring stuff, relevant and up to date information for parishioners & links to the local Anglican community.

Or it might gather dust.  We'll see.

Lord, hear our

prayer

remnants: byzantine monastery

Byzantine era monatery ruins

Mount Tabor

Simone Weil on God's advance

The infinity of space and time separates us from God. How are we to seek for him? How are we to go toward him? Even if we were to walk for hundreds of years, we should do no more than go round and round the world. Even in an airplane we could not do anything else. We are incapable of progressing vertically. We cannot take a step toward the heavens. God crosses the universe and comes to us.

From Lent & Beyond:  A prayer blog

AJ: Hutchison 'discouraged'

Archbishop Hutchison acknowledged that some Canadian Anglicans are “angry” that he signed the communiqué, but explained that he had taken his lead from U.S. Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori. “I told her (Bishop Jefferts Schori), ‘It’s all about you. If you decide not to sign, I won’t sign. I’ll be there with you.'"

from the Anglican Journal

teach us to pray

And your father, who sees in secret,
will reward you...

an advent funeral

We buried Mary on Friday.  She died at the age of 81 years.  I had been her priest in two different parishes.  She died with the sure and certain hope of the resurrection.  An Advent funeral.

The Mary of the Gospels waited with expectation for the birth of her Son -  Jesus, Immanuel.  In the midst of the Christmas carols we will sing,  is a reminder of a second kind of birth, for which we must wait.

mild he lays his glory by
born that man no more may die
born to raise the sons of earth
born to give them second birth
hark the herald angels sing
glory to the newborn king

The Christian waits.  Waits for the promises of God.  Waits for fullness of life. Waits to be fully and eternally 'born again' into the kingdom of God.   Waits to be resurrected at that last day.   In the Advent waiting for the birth of the Messiah is also a second waiting.  We wait for our own birth.

What is this resurrected life that Jesus promises? It is life as God intended it to be, before sin and the power of death entered the world.  It is not the life of ghosts or childish imaginations, of memory, or wishful thinking, or dreams of “what used to be”.  It is fullness of life as God intended it to be.  All the joys and loves and adventures of this life are, at their best,  but pale imitations of the life God intends for us.  All that is best and good and worthy in this life is only a small reflection of the life that is yet to come.

We therefore commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life.

'And I will raise them up on the last day.'

prayers for the people

Last Friday we had a grand festive meal for our local Cursillo community.  It was a welcome event for new members, and was held at St Timothy's church, where I will be moving as of January 1.

I skipped out of the hall for a bit to go into the sanctuary and pray for the people of the parish.  That sort of thing is rather good for a priest to do, you know...

prayers for healing

For a fellow local blogger:

It has been a little over a week and the nightmare will not stop. Last Tuesday, I was diagnosed with Leukaemia and no matter what I do, this is something that just won't go away.

The appointment with the specialist this afternoon, a semi-public ceremony of the Sacrament of the Sick (extreme unction, annointing, laying on of the hands, etc) tomorrow morning in the presence of the staff and residents of St. Joseph's College, an afternoon visit and tour of the Cross Cancer Institute, a weekend move into the home of a very friendly and hospitable Dean of the Diocese who is willing to adopt another child for the time being, hat shopping, a serious hair cut... and all before the bloody treatment starts on Monday.

El ángel más pequeño

we will keep you in our prayers

annointing them with oil...

Emily and Sarah Joy helped me tidy up a few things today. Emily came across a small container of oil used for anointing and prayers for the sick.  After I explained to her what it was, she asked me if it worked.

I looked over at Sarah Joy for a minute before answering.

"Yes, it does, because He does..."

remembrance

arma virumque cano, Troiae qui primus ab oris
Italiam fato profugus Laviniaque venit
litora, multum ille et terris iactatus et alto
vi superum, saevae memorem Iunonis ob iram,
multa quoque et bello passus, dum conderet urbem
inferretque deos Latio; genus unde
Albanique patres atque altae moenia Romae.
Musa, mihi causas memora...

Virgil, Aeneid, I.i

Of arms and a man I sing...

O Muse, bring to me remembrance, what was the cause...

mercy, suicide & university life

It seems that every year I have been on this campus, there has been at least one person who succumbed to suicide.  I am certain that others attempt, and some contemplate it.  The Student Distress Center has some information, and some very helpful people if you or someone you know, might be showing signs that things are not well.  You should have a look.

Various things can trigger those suicidal thoughts and actions.  Sometimes there is just a sense of pressure or depression, or maybe a traumatic event.  Sometimes there are physiological factors that can be addressed.  There are any number of things in your life which might lead you to thinking about suicide.  People are different, stories are different;  this is only one story - (nothing more, nothing less).

Sometimes the factors are spiritual.

He was in most ways a typical student:  enjoying life in the residence, new found freedom, and having the luxury of a good set of sholarships.  He was also a Christian - baptized, confirmed, and yes, he had a real faith and real relationship with Jesus.  But somewhere along the line he decided to leave his Father's house.  Was it intentional?  Maybe not overtly at the beginning, but certainly as things progressed, and he distanced himself from God, he knew what was happening.

There is such a thing as evil, and it has a personality.  The old catechisms tell us that "Satan" desires to "corrupt and destroy the creatures of God."  The battle for hope in a person's life is essentially a spiritual thing.  Despair, compounded by guilt, and hemmed in by choices that cannot be undone, is a spiritual thing.  At its heart is a turning away - from God, from life, from hope.  Sometimes there is a "challenge" to God - a putting him to the test.  How long is his reach?  How great is his mercy?  Will he rescue even here?

What does Jesus want to do with the one who turns away from life?  The one who has lost hope in the future?  The one who thinks that God's arm is too short to save?  The one who,  by his own hand, tries to cast the gift of life back to its giver?  Jesus wants to show mercy. 

Who can tell why it appears to us as if mercy is shown to one person and not to another?  I do not have an answer.  We've held memorial services for young people on campus who took their own lives.  And we've seen people come through a difficult time in their lives into a hope-filled future.  Again, I do not have an answer.

I do know that Jesus is stronger than despair.  That His power to save is greater.  That he suffered, and was buried, and rose again.  That he is able to transform any life and any set of circumstances - even those on the edge of suicide and despair.  I know because I have seen it.  He can and does tranform - beyond what we can ask or imagine.

Jesus can even take the despairing and wandering soul of a student who attempted suicide and send him back to the campus, give him an office and maybe even a title (like "Anglican Chaplain"), and a heart to seek out the bruised and the broken.

Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

reminders of hope

From this morning's daily office readings.  A reminder.

The hand of the Lord came upon me, and he brought me out by the spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me all round them; there were very many lying in the valley, and they were very dry. He said to me, ‘Mortal, can these bones live?’ I answered, ‘O Lord God, you know.’ Then he said to me, ‘Prophesy to these bones, and say to them: O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord. Thus says the Lord God to these bones: I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. I will lay sinews on you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live; and you shall know that I am the Lord.’

Ezekiel 37

"self-actualization"

Of all the things I'd like to be,
holy is at the top of the list.