The Order for the Blessing of a Mini Van ("BMV") with Stow n Go Seating (for Winston), and nods to the entire Faith, Worship, & Ministry Committee of the Anglican Church of Canada.
The Community gathers around the MV. All should be dressed appropriately; children should be wearing freshly laundered items, preferably white or light colours. At no time are the responses to be said or sung in unison: a random senseless chattering is preferred.
The presider (“One”) begins with the ancient latin three-fold form of the “Itemus”.
One: Here we go, here we go, here we go.
All: Are we there yet?
The procession leading into the BMV begins, led by the pater familias, children are strapped into various seats, but not in such a way as to imply that their auto-nomous freedom is in any way compromised. Such an act of contraint by the pater familias is a remnant of patriarchal power imbalance, and must be recognized as such.
The Prayer of Transport:
We come before you, and indeed even enter into your most inward self, O blessed mode of travel. We come in the weakness of our commute, our pilgrim journey amidst the busy rush of life. It is you, O Mini Van, who carry us beyond our present places of indifference and solitude. In you alone many may gather and vacation as one; it is through you that all are invited to come and share in the One Ride.
When first our transportation began, in days of mythic past, we enjoyed the economy of the ‘86 Honda Hatchback. Yet such a vehicle was foreign to us, and we ran it into the ground. Now we rejoice in the provision you have made for the perpetuation of middle class lifestyle, through the marketing of the domestic and the union made vehicle. For it is not the destination, but the consumption along the journey, that gives us meaning.
Beneath your hood is mystery; for in the days of our youth we took an arts degree. And so we abandon all reason as we enter your sanctuary.
The Great Snack:
At this point the elements of the Great Snack are distributed to the Occupants. The meal must have a chocolate layer which melts on contact with human flesh. The drink must be of a deep hue, preferably grape or raspberry.
The Great Snack is distributed, after which follows:
The Breaking of the Peace.
Here all assault their neighbours.
Accusations, Confession, & Counter-Accusations.
One: May One greater than I help you, if I have to stop this van.
All: It was his/her/their/its fault.
Chaos ensues; night descends.
Not enough for your inner liturgist? Try this “Journeying Beyond: A Pilgrimage of Exodus after Confirmation”